These days it always seems as if each day has a “special meaning” and in some ways it desensitizes everyone. However “National Cheese Toasty” or “Wear Your Pink Socks To Work” day do not have anywhere near the same, sometimes painful, heart-wrenching connections that the 15th October; Pregnancy and Infant loss Remembrance Day has ,for what most would see an obviously sensitive reason.
Why would I choose to write about this subject though? Well as everyone who knows me sadly knows, I am a member of the “club no one wants to belong to”. I’ve been a member for over 16 years…17 in February. Most know I am a member because never will I ever stop classing my son as a member of my family because well..he is! Never will I stop posting statuses on my social media when I feel like sharing my memories or thoughts about him, just like I do with my living children. That doesn’t come free from overthinking about other people’s perceptions however. As with anything you post on social media, it invites thought and opinion from others.
So why write anything at all on social media? Well, I have found thankfully that it is not only myself who has a strong desire and need to talk about my son and my loss. There is therapy and love in talking about losing a baby. It feels so hard and lonely when you feel you are unable to discuss what has happened. Somehow it feels as a mother that your child’s existence is being denied in some way. When people shift and squirm and try and stop the conversation, it hurts.
If it is a Saturday evening when I happen to write something, people assume I have had a drink and become melancholy. Whilst this does happen, it is not a typical reason for me, rather a coincidence. If I share something because it is special, I realize a large audience ignore it or pass it by as they either do not care or do not feel connected to it. Some simply do not know what to write or how to respond. Many other kind and loving friends will write “Thinking of you” or “Hugs” which actually make me step back and think “Ooh I didn’t write that to get sympathy, I merely wanted to share a special moment or thought”. I got such a response today for posting a quote for this special day. How can I expect a certain response from them when sometimes my own emotions overwhelm me when I think I finally have control over my experience?!
I have far to many friends who are in this club beside myself and it’s not that type of club where that is something you want. If you are reading this and are also a member, you have a knowing heartfelt recognition from myself of your pain. For many years I struggled just to get through daily life it was so painful. My son was 23 weeks, 6 days, 22 hours and 50 minutes gestation when he was born sleeping. For me in the UK it meant he was 1 hour and 10 minutes away from being registered and having a birth and death certificate. Even now that really stings. Don’t know why really as I don’t typically stand for many official pomp but part of me feels being so close, both he and I were robbed of his standing in history.
I am always thinking of the poor women that will suffer the same fate in the near future and so I try and offer love and kindness the best way I can. It’s not so much when it happens as I don’t think any such trinkets would make one iota of meaning compared to your child. In fact I know it doesn’t but it does when you are slowly mending and are desperate for any special keepsake from that very short moment with your baby. It can be a scan photo, a foot print, cord clamp, certificate or blanket and booties. That is why I choose to try and do something positive with my grief and my skills and am crocheting blankets and other items for our local hospital and connected charity. So, today is a day for myself to reflect and remind myself that I can offer kindness and compassion for other women experiencing what I had to.
Here is a moment of thought to all our much loved and much missed babies. We love and miss you always.x
Elin Sion Blog 